The Diary of A Psychotic Asshole
by WilliamKanaKun
Summary: The untold story of the thief king; read as he endures a day of modern education, seeks employment, meets Kevin Spacey and has to deal with Ryou's looming suicide. Will this thief ever be the same again?
1. Chapter 1

The Diary of a Psychotic Asshole

WARNING: Story is intended for mature audiences only. Contains strong adult language, adult situations, graphic references, drug usage, violence, and criminal acts.

Monday

Tired of sitting around on Ryou's couch, I decide that I'm going to attend school in his place. After all, how hard can it be? And I bet there is going to be a lot of shit for me to steal and children to traumatise. It's the wee hours of the morning and I'm perched on the arm of the sofa waiting for Ryou to come down the hall so I can inform him of my plan. I can't wait to hit him with a streaming hot plate of guilt; with that he'll never be able to refuse me.

Ra-damn it that reminds me! His uniform pants are a little too short for me, I'd better go and dig around his extra uniform so I can lengthen the pant legs. It's not like it's hard. I find it hanging in the spare closet next to the kitchen. I undo the hem and let the pant legs flourish. Success! In the distance I hear Ryou's alarm clock and him groan. I race back over to my perch. He comes shuffling out in his teddy bear pyjamas and slippers, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes. I lean in over. "GOOD MORNING!" Ryou lets out a howl and jumps back. "What in the name of God are you doing?" He gasps, holding his chest. "I just wanted to say good morning is all." Ryou narrows his eyes. "This must be a dream because you're awake before eleven and you greeted me in a civilised fashion."

"Ah, dear hikari you have no faith in me." "Maybe because every time I put faith in you, you manage to smash it into little pieces." "Well, in that case, I'll make breakfast." Ryou follows behind me, speechless. I reach under the counter and fish out a couple of pans. "This one is for frying right?" I ask, pointing to a pan. He nods. "And to turn the burner on is to the left?" "Y-yes." I reach into the cabinets pulling out all sorts of things and combining them in a large mixing bowl. I get eggs and milk out of the fridge while Ryou watches.

I'm flipping pancakes when Ryou says more than one or two words. "You're quite good at that." "It's all in the wrist. Marik taught me how to do it." "Marik?" Ryou asks, with shock. "Yeah. We've been going out in the evening." "You've been going to night school?" "Yeah. I grew bored with watching horror movies on telly, tormenting the pharaoh, even doing graffiti on beloved landmarks. I mean, stealing shit is cool and fun, but I'm branching out." Ryou cracks a grin. "That's great!" I slide some pancakes and bacon onto a plate and push it towards him. "Which brings me to my proposition for the day." Ryou sets down his fork and knife. "I don't have any money, Bakura." I shake my head. "I don't want your money. I want to go to school. Today you have your cooking lessons? Well, you're a good cook, so I was wondering if you'd let me attend school today in your place."

Ryou's face brightens. "Of course!" He is such a gullible fool. "That's great. It gives me time to do laundry and I can get that baking done for the bake sale this Wednesday." Ryou takes a mouthful of pancakes as I sit down next to him. "These are so good!" I smirk. "Of course. Once I was known as the King of Thieves. Now I shall be known as the King of Cuisine." "I'll agree to that!" I stuff my face full of pancakes and stand up. "I've gotta go get ready for school." Ryou gathers up the plates and puts them in the sink. "I'll pack you a lunch!" He says all excitedly. I roll my eyes and stalk off to put my uniform on. Ra, this thing is really hideous. Who the fuck wears this shade of blue anymore? Shit.

As I'm leaving Ryou hands me a lunchbox. A fucking lunchbox! I snatch it from his hand and shuffle out the door. "Say hi to the guys for me!" "Oh, I will." With a nice kick in the face. Heehee. Remember you are Ryou today, not Bakura. You have to be polite, not mug anyone and most importantly not sneer. Shit, this may be harder than I first intended. Fuck, this is one is one long walk to school. Why doesn't he ride the bloody bus? Or get a Ra-damn bicycle. Hmm. Maybe I'll steal one for his birthday this year.

HOME ROOM

This building is even more of a shit hole than I could have imagined. Is it just me or does it smell like urine in here? Hmm. Must make a note to myself; before burning this vial crap hole to the ground, have it clean. The urine smell might cause the building to explode. Then again, discard that note. I adjust my jacket and step into Ryou's homeroom. I spot the dweebs hanging around in the corner, talking about what they did over the weekend. Too bad they weren't literally hanging, now that I could get into! Yugi turns to see me. "Ryou! How was your weekend?" "Oh, you know. I set f-" I catch myself. I clear my throat and try again. "I dressed up in lingerie and cleaned the house. Then Malik came over and gave me a blow job." They all stare at me like I have eight heads. "And then I made some bangers and mash." "Ah! Sounds like a good weekend!" Jono says with a grin. Ra, these are the stupidest people I've ever seen. Maybe I can get one of them to float me a loan of some sort.

"So, Honda, what do we have first period?" I lean over to glance at his schedule. "You're not in my class. You're in the advanced one with Yugi, Anzu and Yami." The Pharaoh! Hopefully, I'll get to blow him up and make it look like an accident. Ryou mentioned a chemistry lesson of some sort is to take place today. Back in my day I was more that just a thief and all powerful wizard, I was one hell of an alchemist. How much could have possibly changed since then? "Oh right. I'm sorry. I'm just a tad tired. Bakura kept me up late last night. You know, those scary movies he watches." The bell rings and I let out a sigh of relief. I race out into the hallway to grab Ryou's books from his locker. He's got a lock on it! And of course, he didn't tell me the fucking combination. How hard could it be to pry this son of a bitch off the locker. Wait. I dial his birthday into the combination lock and it springs open. For Ra's sake.

FIRST PERIOD

I manage to find the room labeled "Adv. Chem. 1" and I slip into the room. "Ryou, you're late." I plunge my hand into my jacket pocket to pull out my switchblade when I remember that I'm not me, I'm Ryou. I pull my hand out of my pocket. "Ah, very sorry. I had some trouble with my locker." "Be that as it may, you have to stay after school for one hour and clean the classroom." "Yes." I choke out and take my seat next to Yugi. "Hey Mid-Yugi, what page are we on?" "Page 198. We're looking at example three." "Thanks." I hiss in his general direction and open the text book. When I reach the page, I look down at it and my head begins to swim. What the fuck do this little numbers and symbols mean? I know I'm rusty, but I didn't think I was this bad! Motherfucker!

"And we'll be having a pop quiz today." Bloody pop quiz! "I'm gonna pop you, cunt." I mutter under my breath. Yugi leans over. "What did you say, Ryou?" "Nothing! Just going over some of my notes." Fuck. I'm going to have to do something to prevent this quiz beast from being released. "Now students, with your group please do the listed experiment on page 202. I'll be up front grading papers if anyone has any questions." Look at her lazing about up there! "Ryou, are you going to join us?" Yami, Yugi, Anzu and some other goof stand waiting for me. "Uh, yes." Blasted pharaoh is in MY group! Perhaps, I can blow him up and get the quiz postponed all in one shot. Hmm. Seems like a good idea to me.

"Hey Yami I mix the blue one with the purple one right?" "Hmm?" He turns to see me poring the blue solution into the purple one. "Ryou, NO!" He shouts and dives at the containers, but the solution explodes in his face. It singes my bangs, but thankfully I had goggles on or I could have gone blind! He screams in pain and the teacher rushes over. "Yami, Ryou, you too need to get to the nurse. Anzu, will you take them?" "Yes!" Anzu chirps. Ra, her voice is so grating.

My face is red and swollen and my bangs are all burned at the end when I look in the mirror. "I'm not beautiful anymore!" I exclaim. I reach up to touch the rash-like sensation that covers my face when the nurse slaps my hand. "You can't touch that! I need to clean it, put medicated lotion on it and wrap it." "You're going to wrap my bloody head with gauze?" She doesn't answer me, instead she comes at me with little wipey pads and a bottle of some lavender coloured lotion. I cringe, but that doesn't stop her. She straps me down to the table and looms over me. If I wanted to play bondage slave today, I would have went over to Marik's house. Thankfully, the pharaoh has been temporarily blinded so he can't see what's going on. She wiped my face down, then coats me with that hideous lavender goo. I lean over to undo the straps when she grabs my arm. "No, no. One more thing." She wraps my head like a mummy's, cutting eyeholes so I can see. "You need to leave this on for about three hours."

I glance in the mirror and a pair of angry eyes glare back at me. I look bloody ridiculous! Well, on the bright side everybody thinks I'm Ryou. I undo the straps and sit up. The nurse has placed some foul smelling liquid in the pharaoh's eyes. HA! He whimprs and cries. Oh dear Ra! It's times like these that I am happy that someone invented a camera phone. The nurse steps aside to get more of the liquid and I snap a picture of the pharaoh in pain. I send it to both Marik and Malik, knowing that they both will be able to appreciate the humour in it. Only two people? Perhaps I should branch out…meet more villains. Nah, then it might get crowded if I decide to have an evil sleepover.

SECOND PERIOD

This block should be relatively easy. It's only world history. I've been around longer than Moses has worn short pants. I linger in the back row watching the people in the class, though it is a little difficult with my head wrapped in bandages. Thankfully, I won't have to deal with the Pharaoh this class. I take a seat in the back, thankful that Ryou has no friends in this class. I lay my head down on my desk and I'm about to fall asleep when the teacher drops a heavy brief case on the desk and announces it's quiz time! Another one of these fuckin' things? For Ra's sake, don't these people let anything go?

"Teacher! My kidneys feel like they are being pulled out through my scrotum. May I go to the nurse?" This time when I get the okay to go to the nurse, I don't plan on going there. I intend to sneak into the teacher's lounge and steal anything that looks valuable. If I don't turn a prophet, it's a lost day. Of course it's still hard to see with the bandages slipping in front of my eyes every ten fucking seconds. When I see a hall monitor I duck into the bathroom and listen for his footsteps to fade away. I peek out the door and see that the coast is clear.

I find the teacher's lounge with ease. It's the only room that reeks of cigarette smoke. I slip into the room and turn on my ipod. I need some music to rob by. I Think I'm Paranoid by Garbage comes on first and that really gets me in the thieving mood. I dance around from desk to desk snatching up anything that looks valuable and sticking it into my backpack. I find a pretty gold cigarette lighter and decide to give it to Marik. His birthday is coming up and I guess it's the least I can do for the guy. After all, if not for him, I wouldn't have learned of the wonders of graffiti. Ra bless him. Okay, enough of that sappy bullshit before I get caught.

I hear footsteps coming down the hall. Fuck all! Hide Bakura! I climb out the window and climb down the side of the building by using the drain pipe. That was close. I jump down when I'm a few feet off the ground and sneak back into the school through the back door of the cafeteria. Great Gods! It smells like feet in here! And they are going to serve that to students? No wonder Ryou packed me a lunch.

-_- I need to check out my eBay auctions but I don't have a laptop on me. I need to get one of my own. This shit of sharing one with Ryou isn't working. I look at my watch and realise that I won't have time to steal a laptop before the next period starts, and I don't want to end up having to spend time cleaning a bloody classroom. Fuck, I already am supposed to do that. Hmm. Let's see how that goes.

THIRD PERIOD

Let's hope this period is more enlightening than the first two. The woman who teaches this class looks a bit like Roseanne. I love her show on telly. I can't believe the series ended! She sets a piece of paper on my desk. "What is this, Roseanne?" I ask her. She stops passing out papers and comes back over to me. "What did you say?" "Roseanne, I asked you what this is." "I'm not Roseanne!" "Well, I know that. John Goodman isn't your husband. I don't seem to kn-remember your name." "It's Mrs. Moto and it is a permission slip that your father needs to sign." "I have no father! Wait-did you say Moto? Are you related to the pharaoh?" She gives me a strange look. "Are you feeling okay?" "Answer my question! Are you related to the pharaoh?" "Who is the pharaoh?" Then I realise what I've said. She doesn't know Yami is the pharaoh. "Heh, heh. I'm not feeling good. Bad tea and biscuits I think." "Perhaps you'd better go to the nurse." "Yes!" I gather the permission slip and nurse's pass from Roseanne and bolt from the classroom before anything else can happen.

I can't believe all these morons are believing the old "I need to go the nurse" excuse. I'm on my way to the computer lab when I run into Jono. "Hey Ryou, what are you doing out of class?" "Uh, I'm going to the nurse." "Why is your face all red?" "There was an accident in chemistry." "Oh yeah. Yugi mentioned that Yami has to shave part of his hair off. He still smells like burt hair apparently." I have to hold my laughter in and I can feel my ribs cracking under the pressure. "I'll see you later!" I manage to squeak. I run down the hall before bursting into hysterics. That's fucking great! My stomach gurgles and brings me out of my laughter induced coma. I see someone coming down the hall and wave at them. It turns out to be Malik, who's coming in late. Seriously, that lad needs an alarm clock.

He looks totally dishevelled. "Oh hi, Ryou." "Never mind hellos!" I snap at him. "When the fuck do we eat around here?" "You're cursing now?" Crap in a bucket! "I'm just a little tired." "You look different. Why do you have no eyebrows and a red face?" "I had an accident okay!" Ra-damn it. I should have just left my head all wrapped. If this shit keeps up, I'll just re-bandage myself. "Oh we have lunch at noon." "It's only eleven bloody thirty!" Before Malik can say anything some big beefy looking guy walks up to us. "Mr. Ishtar, this is the third time this month that you are tardy. Come with me, you're getting written up!" "See you later Ryou." "And you there, where do you belong?" I can't help myself. "I should be casting the world into eternal darkness and ruling supreme over the seven layers of hell." He does a double blink. "Right…uh, well…maybe you should see the school psychologist."

"Where's she at?" I ask, excited about the chance to screw with another authority figure. "She's down the hall, third door on the left. And hurry." He walks away, Malik following behind him. Thankfully in my day I never had to put up with this kind of bullshit. Things were simple. Maybe I should watch the Prince of Egypt when I get home. It brings back so many memories.

I find the door labeled "MENTAL HEALTH' and turn the knob. It smells of cats and bacon in here. I gag and turn to leave when a hand shoots out and grabs my shoulder. I nearly jump out of my skin. "Who the bloody hell do you think you are? Get your hand off me you filthy mortal!" "I'm Miss Koshi. I'm the school psychologist. I take it you're here to see me." "I was until I smelled this place. It's fuc-disgusting in here." She coughs a dry, hacking cough and then tells me to take a seat. I take a look around her office and notice that she has a wardrobe in the corner. Oh jolly good! Maybe I'll be able to climb in there, go into Narnia and get the fuck out of this place.

She offers me some candy, but I refuse. "Now why are you here?" "Well, this fat man in a suit asked me where I belong, I told him and he suggested that I come and pay you a visit." "What did you say to him?" "Nothing but the truth. I told him that I should be casting this world into eternal darkness and should be ruling over the seven layers of hell." She wipes her glasses on her shirtsleeve. "I see. The fat man that you are referring to is the principal." That is the leader of this kingdom? No wonder it fuckin' sucks. "Why don't you try these?" The hands me two little green things. "I already told you hag! I don't want any bloody candy!" "Oh, these aren't candy. They are going to make you feel better."

LUNCH

I slump into the cafeteria, looking around at all the gargoyles. And I thought the Shadow Realm had some freaky creatures. The football player that is hovering in the corner could scare the shit out of my Headless Knight no problem. I shudder and begin to head over to a table in the corner when Anzu calls me. "Ryou! Over here!" She waves at me and I resist the urge to purge. I spin around and sit down between Jono and Honda. "What's for lunch?" I ask, looking around at the trays. Yugi and Yami both have some disgusting looking bean salad. Anzu has a fruit cup and yogurt. Both Honda and Jono have heaps of french fries, cheese burgers and some kind of orange goo. I feel my appetite disperses, but I open my lunchbox anyway to see what Ryou has packed me.

My eyes nearly fall out of my skull as they take in the horror before me. A thermos with rabbits on it, filled with milk. A small apple juice box is neatly tucked in between a baggie of baby carrot sticks. A tuna sandwich and some pear slices complete the whole package. "Aren't you going to eat, Ryou?" The pharaoh asks. The concern in his voice is sickening. "I've got a bit of a stomach cramp. Maybe I'll just have some juice." I take the juice box out of the lunchbox and shove the thing away from me. I puncture the juice box with such force I'm surprised it didn't explode.

I sip my juice quietly and just take in the surroundings. No wonder Ryou doesn't like to talk about school. Perhaps I can share my new found knowledge of educational torture techniques with Marik and we can go out and have ourselves a good evening. I'm lost in thought so I don't notice the huge hunk of balonga that is flying toward me. It hits me square in the face and the cafeteria explodes with laughter. I lose my temper, which is completely out of Ryou's character, but I don't give a fuck at this moment. "WHO THE FUCK DID THAT? THEY SHALL BE ENGULFED IN THE SHADOWS!" The whole room goes quite. Before I can threaten everyone, the bell rings and my stomach is still empty. Between last block and the horrors I took in while in the cafeteria, I'm not surprised I didn't eat. I steal a cheese burger off of Honda's tray and huff off to the next class.

FOURTH PERIOD

I've never seen something so shameful in my 3,000 years of existence. Ryou is in the school chorus. Right along with the rest of the tossers he hangs around with. Personally, I don't see the appeal of friends, but that's beside the point. I will not be singing any hymns or a single note for that matter. I remember the switchblade in my pocket. I drag it across the lower half of my wrist and deliberately yell out in pain. "Teacher!" I sob. "I seem to have hurt myself on the music stand!" The chorus director hurries over to my side, sees blood and immediately tells me to leave. She breaks down the music stand and begins to wash it. Mortals are such fools. W00t! A free period! Now maybe I can find something to fucking eat. I can't go to that cafeteria. Hmm. I guess the only logical answer is to sneak out, steal something to eat and sneak back in so I don't miss the next period. Easy enough!

On my way out, I see Malik still getting spanked in the principle's office. Too bad it's only a verbal spanking. I get those all the time! I climb over the side fence and I'm free! I put my earbuds in and decide to rock out while on the search for rations. I'm screaming along to Marilyn Manson when some middle aged man comes up and taps me on the shoulder. I take out one earbud and to my amazement I can steal hear the music blaring out of it. "What do you want?" The man takes a step back. "You were screaming something horrible. I wanted to see if you were alright." I smirk. "Of course! It's the magic of Marilyn Manson that is!" "Who's he?" I've had enough stupidity for one day. "Would you like me to show you?" "Okay." He says, fear in his voice. And he should be full of fear!

I send him to the shadow realm, pop my earbud back into my ear and start off again, this time I'm listening to Linkin' Park. The little hobbit they have as the front man really knows how to write a song! Perhaps Marik and I will go see them in concert. I find a Yakisoba shop and race over to one of the seats. I'm stuffing my face with noodles and chicken when I look at my watch. Ra-ddamn it I only have 25 minutes to make it back to the school, get my shit and get to class. I wolf down the rest of the meal and slip out the door before anyone can notice I didn't pay. I run all the way back to school and my heart feels like it's going to come out of my chest as soon as I reach the back door. I stop for a moment to catch my breath. I pull my earbuds out, stick them back in my pocket and head into the school. Seeing as I've gotten out of almost every block so far today, I think I'll have to actually attend the last two blocks. Let's give it a try shall we. I glance down at the piece of paper with Ryou's classes on it. Study hall. What the bloody hell is study hall? I thought that studying was the point of every block. Bloody moronic mortals.

I open Ryou's locker to see my raccoon hat, little laser pointer and my other switchblade have been stolen from the locker. In a fit of rage I put my fist through the locker next to mine. I walk away, steamed like a vegetable. I'm going to burn this shit hole to the ground and Marik is going to help me wither he wants to or not. I've had enough of this shit.

FIFTH PERIOD

Apparently, this block you just sit in a room and stare at one another. Honda and Jono and flipping paper footballs with Yami. Yugi and Tea are studying for a test. -_- The pharaoh is here. I can't get rid of that prick. Maybe he's stalking me. What if he's coming on to me? Wait, that would mean that he's trying to come on to Ryou. ARGH! That's not right! I take another look around to see who else I know is in this block. Urgh! That dice wielding dickweed is in here! He's playing with some kind of dice thing. Honestly, him and the dice should get a fuckin' room. I must remember to tell Marik that one. Duke makes some kind of lovey face at me and I flip him off. I turn away from him and place my head on the desk. I don't care if they figure out that I'm Bakura, not Ryou at this moment. I've endured enough shit from the pharaoh and the other slime that inhabit this fitly place.

Yami and Duke start a game of Dungeon Dick Monsters and I watch with little interest. Of course they start arguing over who's going to go first. I would say that the women would go first, but alas, they are both women so they would still be in the same boat. The gym teacher is the supervisor of this block for some unknown reason. He's hideous. I mean, I saw him briefly a few years ago, but his looks really have deteriorated since then. He kinda looks like Anzu when she first gets up in the morning. HA HA HA. "You there! Mr. Bakura, what's so funny? Would you care to share it with the class?" "I was just reading a comic book." He stands up from his seat and heads in my direction. I manage to whip out my comic book before he reaches me. Before I can say anything to him he snatches it off my desk. "Johnny the Homicidal Maniac. I'll be taking this." "WHAT THE BLOODY DUCE?" Everyone turns to stare at me.

"Ryou are you okay?" Duke asks me. "Yeah, Douche, I'm fine. Duke! I mean Duke!" Hideous man leaves with my comic and I feel my blood boil. I think about stabbing this motherfucker, but then I realise Ryou would be the one to deal with the fallout. And I can't have him getting raped in prison, cause he looks like me and all. Ra-damn it. I go back to listening to my ipod. This time, I put on 'Hem Of Your Garment' by Cake and just space out. They must have written this song about me. It's so evil but catchy at the same time. Before I know what's happening, I'm on the desk, belting out a tune; I'm even getting into the groove of the song.

I feel like I'm being watched and I open my eyes to see that the whole class is staring at me. "Who knew you had such a voice." Jono says. "It's heavenly." It feels as if my face is on fire. "I need to go to the restroom!" I jump off the desk, grab my bag and dash off to the nearest bathroom. I lock myself in a stall and take a deep breath. It smells like asparagus in here. Thankfully this block is almost over and I only have one more thing to suffer through and then I can go home. I'm thinking about getting drunk and passing out.

SIXTH PERIOD

I might as well be walking at the sun. The principle is after my ass and so is the gym teacher. This place is like a bloody insane asylum. This has to be one of the worst ideas I've ever had. I've been stuck with the pharaoh almost all day, hit with balonga, set fire to myself and got my shit stolen out of Ryou's locker. I'm thinking that I might skip this block. After all, what good is economics going to do me? I don't even know what the fuck it is.

I find the stairwell that leads to the roof and climb up. The view from here is awesome. This afternoon has been great. I've had the whole afternoon off, except for having to deal with Yami and Duke last period. They should get married, they fight like an old married couple. Wait. Ryou and I fight kinda like that…scratch that last thought.

I decide to flip through some of Ryou's notes to pass the time. He's got some pretty interesting doodles in here. Score! He's written some shit about the pharaoh. Today wasn't a complete waste after all! I scan the page and my eyes nearly fall out with excitement. 'Yami was checking out Duke's ass all day today. I think that he was fantasying about him today during choir, he couldn't concentrate on the songs.' I snap pictures of the notebook with my camera phone and send some of those to Marik. Within seconds of sending the photos to him, my cell rings. It's him.

"HAHA! Where did you get that shit, Bakura?" "From Ryou! It's in his school notebook! He also rights about how Malik was caught with Honda, but we all knew that." Marik is silent on the other end of the line. "You did know?" I ask him. "NO!" He shouts and I think that he's gonna come through the phone. "Cool it. It's old news. And we have some new leverage against the pharaoh! Let me see what else I got here." I flip a few more pages before I see Jono's name mentioned. "I have something!" I tell him eagerly. "Well, let's hear it then!" "Jono apparently had a four way with Yugi and Anzu!" Marik gaps on the other end. "No fuckin' way!" "Yes way! I'll come over tomorrow and we can read the whole thing! Even make copies!" He laughs hysterically. "Perfect! My house tomorrow then!" He hangs up just as the final bell of the day is ringing. Finally time to get the fuck out of here!

AFTER SCHOOL

The hag who told me that I had to return to her classroom to clean it caught me as I was sneaking out the door. "Mr. Bakura! Remember you're cleaning my classroom this afternoon?" Fuck all! I paste a smile on my face and turn to face her. "Oh, yes, that's right!" I shower the sentence in fake enthusiasm.

I pull my ipod out of my jacket pocket, crank up the volume and listen to The 69 Eyes thrash. I'm glad that Ryou put all of my favourite tunage on this little thing. It has to be one of the coolest things I've ever stolen! I wonder if he still believes that it was a birthday gift from Marik. The song ends and it's replaced by Evanescence. Not bad, but I'd never admit it out loud. I'm thankful for the Amy Lee poster that was given to me. ^_^ I have it taped under my bed, so when I crawl under there to think I have Amy waiting for me. Huh, then again, I don't get much thinking done, only a lot of fantasying.

The Lunacy Phringe by The Used comes on and I get back into my groove. I'm moping floors and scrubbing desks like a madman. You know, people get paid to do this kind of shit. Perhaps I shall do this as part time work. And I can steal anything that looks good. A perfect in! I'll have to check the want ads when I get home. The hag comes back in and looks around the classroom in shock. "It's heavenly in here." "Well, I am a God." "Well done, you can leave now." I glance at my watch. 5.30. Ryou is gonna wonder what the fuck happened to me. He better have something to fucking eat on the table when I get home. I call him to tell him that I'm gonna be home soon and hang up before he can ask me any questions. I'm so bloody tired after today. Who knew that school could be so exhausting? I'm surprised that Ryou manages to walk the five miles home every afternoon.


	2. Chapter 2

TUESDAY

I'm watching the "ass2ass" music video when Ryou comes into the living room, still in his jim-jams. I hiss at the woman on telly. "You're awake again? This can't be a good sign. Are you going to school today? I mean, its okay if you want to, I still have a few errands to run." "Fuck that!" I mute the telly. "What now?" He asks, fully awake now. "I thought you had such a good time yesterday. You came home and were quite and relaxed." "Relaxed? I was nearly comatose from the stress I endured in that dungeon you call 'school'. I will never return to that vial place…Well, unless the pharaoh is getting hit in the face with a kickball again or is caught in some sort of explosion." Ryou saddens a little. "I'm sorry. I thought you had a good time. So, what are your plans for the day?" I scratch my head. "I was thinking I might get a part time job." Ryou looks at me in shock. "Y-you are getting a job?" "Yeah. I was thinking that Marik and I could get work at the blood bank."

Ryou sighs. "I don't think that would be such a good idea." "And why not?" He sits down in the oversized armchair. "Because you two would get into the blood, drink it or taint it. Or you'd mix up the blood supplies and all hell would break loose." "You say that like it's a bad thing." I smirk at him. "Well, regardless of your advice, Ryou, I think that we'll try there first and see how that goes." "I must get ready for school." Ryou says, standing up. "Oh and if you need bail money leave a message on the machine and I'll get to you when I can." I snort and turn the telly back on. He has no faith in me! Not that I blame him. I ate his hamster last week when I was supposed to be watching it.

THE BLOOD BANK

Since I don't know how to drive, I need to walk to Marik's house, so he can give me a lift on his motorcycle. I think he's in love with that thing to be honest. Once I caught him in the garage stroking it and reading it 'Chicken Soup For The Soul'. And he refers to it as 'beautiful'. That's just creepy. I pull my jacket closer to me. Ra-damn it, it's bloody cold out here! I get to Marik's house and knock on the door for five minutes. I'm ready to rip the fucking thing off it's hinges, when Ishizu opens the door. "Marik is inside. If you're looking for Malik, he already left for school." I ignore her and slide right on by. I glance into the living room to see that Marik isn't there. He must be in his bedroom.

I head up the stairs and slam his bedroom door open. His lazy ass still asleep! "O!" I roar at him. He awakes with a start. "Who blew Col. Sanders?" He asks sleepily. I don't even want to know! "Get your lazy ass up we are supposed to be going to the blood bank today." He sits up, rubbing his eyes. "Motherfucker I forgot about that." "I thought I told you I detest that kind of language." Ishizu says. I turn to see her lingering in the doorway with tea. "Oh thanks." I take the mugs from her and she heads back down the stairs. I sit down next to Marik on his bed. "What's it like living with a prison warden?" He chuckles. "Ah, it's honestly not too bad. She cooks, cleans and she even bandages me up." "Sounds like your mum." "You know I don't have a mum." "Yeah, I know. Christ's sake." "Christ?" Marik asks with enthusiasm. "Yeah, apparently he's some really holy bloke in Christianity. Everybody loves him and it's considered a curse when you say 'Christ' or "Jesus Christ' without praying or something." "Wow that's stupid." "I know. I like doing it because it upsets so many people. Now, for Ra's sake would you get your ass in gear?"

I light a cigarette and sit on Marik's desk while he gets dressed. There is so much shit on his bedroom floor, I don't know how he finds anything. He pulls a sneaker out from under his bed and puts it on. His other sock has a huge hole, but he doesn't seem to notice or care. And here I thought that he had a little bit of class. I flick my ashes all over the floor, not like he's going to notice. He manages to find the other sneaker in the nightstand and puts it on. He grabs a t-shirt off the pile in the closet. It's a Care Bears tee. I stare horror at him and he looks down to see what he's wearing. "Sweet Ra in the afterlife!" He exclaims. He rips the shirt off and throws it out into the hallway. "What the bloody hell was that?" He takes a deep breath. "That must be Malik's." He finds another shirt, this time a Billy Idol tee. I approve to say the least. And if you don't like Billy Idol, you can just fuck right the hell off.

"Well we'd better get going." I say as I putting out my cigarette. "Yeah you're right." Marik glances at his alarm clock. I follow Marik down the stairs and out the front door. He opens the garage and takes his motorcycle key out of his pocket. "Are you ready baby?" "Are you talking to me?" Then I realise he's talking to the bloody motorcycle. "Get a fuckin' room!" I tell him and climb on the motorcycle. He gets on in front of me and places my arms around his waste. "Are you coming on to me?" He turns and smirks at me. "You know you will always be my first love." O_O "WHAT?" I pull my arms away from him. "I was talking to Shirley." "Who the fuck-Oh right, your bike. I forgot. Let's get out of her before you start blowing it." "Oh alright! You just can't appreciate the love here. You've never been in love." He pulls out of the garage. "You're wrong." "What?" "You're wrong, Marik. I too have felt love's magic." "Really? When the fuck did this happen? What was her name?" "Manna. She was my horse." Marik snickers and I smack him. We swerve and nearly take out a mailbox. "Watch it!" He bellows at me. "Oh, yes, very sorry."

"I'm sorry for laughing at your horsie." "Horsie? Uh, no. She was like family to me. We went everywhere together. I'll never forget the time we went to the palace to torment the pharaoh and she took a huge dump right in his throne room. I was so full of pride, I nearly exploded." Thankfully we're stopped at a red light, as Marik hunches over, doubled up with laughter. "Are you kidding?" He manages to choke out. "No! Why would I lie about that? Too bad we didn't have pictures in those days. I suppose I could have always done an oil painting of the scene, but the guards were fighting me, so I don't know how well that would have worked out." The light turns green and we start off, Marik still laughing. "You've led such a colourful life." I think it over for a moment. "It was mostly shrouded in darkness and destruction, but I know what you meant. I really have had a lot of adventures."

We arrive at the blood bank and park round back. We head round to the front of the building, and I have to say, I'm filled with excitement. (Not to mention mischief) I pull the door open, not bothering to hold the door open for Marik and strut over to the front desk. "Hello." I bang my fist on the counter. A middle aged bloke looks up at me. "Can I help you?" "Yes. I would like a job." "Let me see if there are any openings." "Oh, and I need one for my mate here." I gesture to Marik, who cracks a wide grin. "Okay." He types away for a few minutes. I'm about ready to send him to the Shadow Realm when he turns and says, "Well boys, you're in luck! We have two openings." YES! "Now I'm just going to need some information." He says, pulling out his clipboard. "Name?" I decide I'm going first. "Bakura." He writes that down. "What's your last name?" "I don't have one. It's like Sting, Madonna, Prince. It's just Bakura." "Uh, Okay. Fill this out." He hands me the clipboard while he handles Marik.

Rather than lie on the application, I fill it all out in Ryou's name. I hand it back over to the blood man who looks through all the pages. "Well, everything seems to be in order here. Let me go get you two guys name tags and we'll be on our way." Marik and I linger in the waiting room. "Who'd you fill your application out as?" "Ryou. You?" "Malik." Both of us begin to laugh hysterically, when blood man comes back out. "You ready?" He hands us name tags and we follow him into the back. "Your job is to package the blood according to type. A goes in the red bucket. B goes in the blue bucket. AB goes in the purple bucket and O goes in the white bucket." Simple enough. "And all this blood has been checked for disease?" Marik asks him. "Yes, so just fill up the bucket and push them into the cold room."

I've never been so excited at the idea of work; I'm like Henry Winkler at a Lady Gaga convention. Since I'm blood type A, I only drink that type. I pop a hole in one of the bags and take a sip. I smile at Marik, letting the blood leak through my teeth. "Christ!" He exclaims. I lick the blood off my teeth. "I see you've taken to saying Christ." "Shh. Don't tell Ra." "Make me." He tosses a bag of blood at me and it explodes at my feet. Getting into the spirit of things, I lob a bag at his head. It explodes in his face and he curses. "You're gonna get it now scrotum itch!" He wipes the blood from his eyes and tosses another bag at me. A bag of B negative explodes on my shirt, staining the face of Judas Priest pink. It's go time!

I tackle Marik to the floor, taking down two blood buckets in the process. It's been so long since I've had a blood fight or a blood bath. Ryou won't let me have one at home, he says the smell would ruin the wallpaper in the bathroom. Pfft. More like he doesn't want me to have any blasted fun. Marik twists my nipple and I frantically try to get him off. I lean around him and bit him on the right side of his ass. He shoots up as if he'd been stabbed. "What the fuck was that? Did you stab me in the ass?" "I thought that you could use another asshole, as you're so full of shit!" He's got one hand on his bottom as he reaches out to get me. He slips on one of the leaking bags and goes down. I'm laughing so hard I don't notice the dripping bag in front of me. I step on it and go sliding into Marik, my knee nailing him straight in the crotch. Even I felt that one. He turns a light shade of violet and keels over, holding himself. "Are you okay?" "I'll be better when I choke the life out of you!" He leans up and grabs hold of me.

Marik has his hands around my throat when the middle aged blood man returns. When Marik looks up to see him, I take my chance and kick Marik. "Get up!" He yells at us. "What the hell have you done? There is blood all over the place! You're covered in it and there are hundreds of units destroyed!" He takes a deep breath. "You're fired! I never want to see either of you here again! EVER! For the rest of your natural lives!" "But I'm already dead, I'm the spirit of an ancient tomb robber. And he's the product of one teenagers suppressed rage and hatred. So, neither of us are really alive." "OUT!" He screams at us. Marik and I side step out of the place while the man falls to his knees and breaks down. How were we to know he was going to get so upset? It's not like it's his blood. "All in all that was a good day. Don't you think Marik?" "I think that I split my nuts in half so now I have four." I chuckle. "Well that's jolly good. Grow another penis and we can sign you up for the sideshow."

THE GOODS MASTER

Well, now that I have been fired from my position at the blood bank, I need to find another form of employment. I heard that 'Grocery Heaven' in downtown Domino is hiring. It's peasant work, but a job is a job. Marik decided that he's all worn out and went home to take an ice bath. I almost feel sorry for what I did, but then I remember what he did to my nipple. I'm lucky it didn't fall off. How stupid would I look with one nipple? I suppose I could always go out and get me a spare…hmm. That's an interesting thought. I walk into the place and nearly go blind from the horridly bright colours that decorate the building. Some clown like thing is painted everywhere. And people say that war is hell! o.o I'm about ready to step out the door when some goof-wad with large, thick black framed glasses steps in front of me. He's got some type of mullet thing going on. It's hideous. I can't work here. I'll be fired in an instant. I steal a candy bar and head out of the place, ignoring the commotion within the building.

I'm walking down the street when I see a huge HELP WANTED sign in the window of a store. I look up and read 'Kunten Kandies'. I can't help myself, I have to see what this place is all about. I stroll in like I own the fuckin' place and have a look around. There are delicious treats as far as the eye can see. I must work here! I ring the bell on the desk. "Hello?" A woman who could pass as Anzu's grandmother comes out from the back room. She steps on a step stool or a box or something. "Can I help you young man?" "Yeah. I wanna work here." "Can you lift up to 40 pounds?" "Yes." "Are you over 16?" "By far!" I exclaim. She smiles and I do too, but for a different reason. "Are you able to work days?" "You bet I am! Nights too if you need." I haven't been this excited since the last coming of Zork. "When can you start?" "NOW!" I have to restrain myself from climbing over the counter.

"Name?" "Bakura." "Well, you can start this afternoon!" I nearly explode into confetti I'm so excited. I've gotta tell Marik about this. "Your shift will start in an hour." "Okay!" I tell her and race outside to place a call. "Marik!" I shout as soon as he picks up. "What?" "I got a job!" "Where are you working?" He asks, excitedly. "Peep show? Titty bar? Crack house?" "Nope. I'm workin' at a candy store." Silence on the other end of the line. "Hey knob-head, you still there?" Coughing. "Yeah, I'm still here. I just needed a moment to process what you just said." "They have a whole section of adult candies." The line goes dead. I stare at my phone. Piece of shit! Then I look down at the phone and try making another call. Ryou picks up on the second ring. "Hello?" "Just testing my phone. See ya at home." I hang up on him. I come to the realisation that the piece of shit hung up on me. I'm gonna fuck him up the next time I see him.

I go back inside to start my shift and I see there is a black apron on the counter waiting for me. This shit just keeps getting better and better! I put it on and run into the little lady. "You'll be working the front today. I need to take some stock in the back. Oh by the way I'm Mrs. Pini." The disappears behind the green door and I sit behind the counter. Not even five minutes have passed before the door swings open and Marik races in. He pulls his phone out and snaps a photo of me behind the counter. I'm temporarily binder but I manage to make my way around the counter and over to him. "What the fuck was that for?" I ask, rubbing my eyes. "Proof." he says, putting his phone away.

"Proof for what?" "You working at a candy store. Now, let's see those adult delectables." "Right this way, sir." I smirk at him. I show him to the section he desires. His eyes grow to the size of saucers and his mouth waters. "Give me some of those chocolate knickers, uh a handful or so of the vanilla nipples and of I need at least a dozen of the penis eclairs." I get his order ready to go. "That comes to 37.50." "I'll put it on Malik's credit card." He pulls it out of his wallet and hands it to me. I run it through the little machine and hand him the card and the slip he needs to sign. While he forges Malik's name on the slip, I package his order. "There." He hands me the signed slip and I hand him his bag. "Come again." We burst out laughing. "With pleasure. I'll see you tomorrow. And maybe the day after. I'm not really sure!" He heads out the door with his candies and I feel a sense of pride I've never felt before.

I'm in dire need of a milkshake. Thankfully, there is a milkshake fountain in here. Thank you, Isis! I say a quick prayer of thanks before dashing over to the fountain. I'm slurping my delicious chocolate heaven when the shop door opens and in walks Yugi and Yami. Yami's bag hits the floor with a loud thud. I turn and nearly choke when I see the look on his face. He looks like he's had a heart attack; his face is an odd purplish colour. "Welcome to Kunten Kandies. What the fuck do you want?" "I was hoping that you guys had some of those gummy fish and those chocolate…" "Chocolate what?" He mutters something under his breath. "I can't hear you?" "Nipples. I'd like some chocolate nipples!" Have my ears deceived me? Thankfully, I recorded this on my phone. I think I'm going to set this as my ring tone. "And what can I get for the pharaoh?" Yami still hasn't said anything since they entered the shop. "Come on pharaoh, I haven't got all day." "Right uh, I want some of those cherry flavoured lips and-" I cut him off. "Vaginal lips or facial lips?" Yami coughs. "Excuse me?" "We have both." "By the gods! What kind of shop is this?" "A candy store. We cater to the adults and children of Domino." "Uh, how about some of both?" I nod and reach up on the shelf to get his candy.

For the first time I am happy for video cameras. And best of all this store has an audio feed as well as a audio one. Now I can broadcast the audio all over Domino High, of course after I've edited it a bit. Marik will have to help me with that, since I'm still new to all this shit. I'm kind of hoping that Ryou will come into the shop and catch me at work. Maybe I'll bring home some vaginal candies for him. Maybe he'd like some of those edible strawberry knickers. I do hope he makes strawberry shortcake tonight like he promised me. I could stay in this place all day. I haven't even finished the thought when the door swings open and about a dozen kids come flooding into the store. Shit, I forgot those vial parasites will frequent this establishment.

I'm sneaking to the back room, when some little girl pulls on my apron. "Hey white haired lady do you have any more of those chocolate dip pops?" "WHO ARE YOU CALLIN' LADY YOU INFECTIOUS WORM?" She bakes away, her face all screwed up like she's going to cry. I wish parents would put leashes on these things, it would make my life a little more pleasant. "Do you work here?" "Only on days that end in y." The man looks a little confused. "Right, uh, it's my son's birthday and he's about your age…I don't know what he'd like. Can you make a suggestion or two?" My age? I'm 3,019 years old, I think. Give or take a year or two. "Personally, I'd like a bondage slave, leather and a crate of jello. Hmm. Candy for a teenager. Well, my ho-brother really likes those ho-ho cake things. Oh and those French ticklers are nice." "That sounds good." He's sweating like its 200 degrees in here. Good. "And you're in luck, we have both of those things. And we also have a catalogue." I slip the adult catalogue into the bag, stars around some of my favourite items. The man pays and rushes out of the store before getting his receipt.

I'm sucking on a dildo pop when walks out. "Had a good day did we?" "Oh yes. I gave out a bunch of cards to people and they all seemed really happy with their purchases." She beams. "You might be the best employee I've ever had." "Really? Alright! You know, I have a few suggestions to make." She sits down next to me. "Oh?" "Yeah. I'm thinking that you should expand so you can hold orgies here. You know, it would kinda be like how those pizza places do birthday parties. You could advertise in the community section of the newspaper." She blinks. "That's a little explicit." "Yeah, most good ideas are. And I was thinking you should hire some women. They could wear some of the edible britches, you know advertise the products. Maybe they could even give BJ lessons with these here pops." I gesture to the pop I've been sucking on. Before can say anything an angry looking woman storms into the shop. I have the feeling I've caused this, so I lean over and begin stuffing my backpack with as much candy as I can.

She dumps a box on the counter. I reach for the clotted creams and notice that she's got a kid with her; the same little girl I scared earlier. Fuck, this can't be good. I dump a dozen or so cunt-cicles into my bag and zip it up. It's a little difficult as it's filled with all kinds of treats. "I'm gonna go take stock." I slip out the door and dance down the alley. I see at least seven more angry parents heading towards the candy store. I guess I should have thought twice before selling their children Hairy Wang's newest candy hit. I sure as hell enjoyed it. He's a genius…watermelon pussies you can suck on!

HOME

At least today was better than yesterday, I pull out my cell phone and listen to the Yugi recording. I laugh to myself and bite into a raspberry tart. I don't even want that strawberry shit anymore. I don't want any beef stew either. I could die right now and be perfectly happy. I'm in the middle of a Bret Michaels marathon when my cell rings. "Who the bloody hell is it?" I answer, irritated that someone dared to interrupt my show. "It's me." "Oh hey me. What's up?" "I got those security tapes you mentioned to me this afternoon. I've got the videos all together. I'm just adding a few things for your enjoyment." "This is gonna be better than the time we glued Honda's asscheeks together when he was sleeping." Marik's laugher echos through the phone. I almost forgot about that! "That was bloody brilliant!" "What was?" Ryou says, walking into the living room. "Nothing. Look, I gotta go. Text me later." I hang up and turn to face Ryou. "Who was that?" "Your mother. She called me from Hell." Ryou frowns. "No, I was kidding. It was Marik." "Judging my the bloody clothes in the sink you had a busy day?" I hand him a chocolate drop. "Yeah. I had to come home and change my clothes." "Oh God. Should I be worried? Am I going to turn on the news and see that you're wanted for murder?" He begins to panic. I sit up and walk over to him. I put my hand on his shoulder. "Not that good a day. There was a little trouble at the blood bank." "What did you do?" "Me? I'm appalled. Marik started the whole fuckin' thing. If he wasn't there I would still be working there." "Is that what you're going to say about the candy store as well?"

My mouth hangs open in shock. "How the fuck did you find out about that?" "I got a call from a friend." "Bloody pharaoh." I change the channel, seeing as Bret is over. "What is with this American Idol shit? I mean Steven Tyler kicks ass, but everyone else sucks." "Stop trying to change the subject. called me." I nearly choke on a candy. "How do you know here? Are you having some kind of kinky affair with her?" I ask, all excitedly. "No." I give him the biggest grin I can muster. "That means yes!" "You really need to get a hobby." He mutters. I ruffle his hair. "Dear hikari, I tried remember?" "Shooting squirrels on the roof, while wearing only your underwear is not a hobby! It's an arrest warrant in the making!" "Well what do you suggest I do. And don't say book club or some pussy ass knitting circle." "I was going to suggest an RPG thing, since you seem to love those." "You love those." Yeah, but I'm at school all day. And I have other obligations, school and other clubs. You know I'm in the-" I cut him off. "Yeah, I know you're in the chastity circle."

"Oh bugger off. It's the cooking club that I'm in. That and the school book club and RPG club." "Is that why you haven't been home the last two months?" "Yes! I honestly didn't think you'd notice." "Ouch." I linger on Law and Order for a few moments, watching the big detective man put a suspect's head through the little mirror window. If anyone of those justice pigs tried to do that to me, I'd send him to the shadow realm quicker than you could say "moron." "So, what did you hear about the candy store?"

"Well she said that you sold adult themed candies to children, she had to deal with an angry mob and she wants you to work the graveyard shift." I nearly choke. "She said what?" "She wants you to work the late hours of the store when all the perverts come in. She said that you'd be great at that. And I can see her point. You're the biggest pervert I know, besides Marik and Malik." Ryou begins to say something but I'm blocking him out; I have recently become obsessed with this chewy carmel candies. I stole them from work and I must say they are bloody delicious! "You know Bakura, if you eat too many of those you'll get sick." I snort and shoo him away. As if! Like something so small as a candy could do me in! I'm laughing at Ryou when I feel a sharp pain radiating through my abdomen. For the sake of Ra, it feels like my intestines are being pull out of me! I clutch my stomach in pain and Ryou leans over me. "Are you okay?" "I'm clutching myself in pain and you ask if I'm fucking okay?"

Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that Marik has caught the clap. I told him that he should stay away for prostitutes, but I guess that's his weakness. I want to see the look on Ryou's face when I tell him. "Hey." He mutes the volume on the telly and looks over at me. "What is it?" "I might not be able to hang out with Marik tomorrow." "Oh? Who's going to be in jail? You, him or both?" "Neither." I sit down next to him. "Marik has the clap." Ryou drops the remote. "The clap? You mean he has gonorrhoea?" I nod. "Are you telling me he got it from you?" I slap him. "NO! He got it from some skanky he met in the park." Ryou rubs where I slapped him. "I'm sorry. It was the just the way you brought it up that I assumed….never mind. Is he going to be okay?" I shake my head yes. "His winkie is going to hurt for a little bit, but the doctor-man told him he'll be all better soon!" "That's good." "And if Marik isn't better in a week, we're going to go and burn his house down!" "What?" "Well, thought that I'd mention it. I'm off for the night." I leave Ryou looking defeated on the couch and head off to my room to watch the 'PARTY PANTS' DVD that Marik lent me.


End file.
